Blog # 3: A Hard Talk in the Mirror
As many of you know, I am a tennis fanatic, and after watching Novak Djokovic come back from two sets to none to win his quarter final Wimbledon match today in five sets and then reading his post match interview quotes, I was struck by something. Djokovic said that after going down two sets to none today, being firmly outplayed, being far from his best, and knowing his back was up against it, he did something to change the dynamic of the match. He took a bathroom break so he could regroup, stare at himself in the mirror, and give himself a firm talking to.
This brought my memory back to the Wimbledon finals about 7 years ago when he was two sets apiece against Federer (and having just lost a heart-breaking fourth set that could have won him the match). I remembered reading that he did pretty much the same thing after that epic fourth set, though that time he said he screamed at himself. After screaming at himself in the mirror, he went out to win a great fifth set and take the Championship. Both times he said he needed to change the self-talk in his head; he needed to get rid of the negative energy and doubt and shift the dynamic to one of self-belief. He said back then and today that once he changed the inner circumstances, he knew his outer circumstances could shift as well.
I started thinking about how this has been true in my own life. Now, I have never had to talk myself into a Wimbledon championship under extreme pressure, but there have been several times in my own life when I needed to look myself in the mirror, give myself a talking to, and change the inner dialogue.
About 17 and a half years ago when I was 27, I knew that my drinking was doing damage to my life and preventing me from being happy and the best version of myself. I knew I had to stop. Now I was lucky enough to have the support of an amazing community, family and friends who all helped me greatly, as well as the constant support of my wife, Jennie. But, when it truly came down to it, I had to look myself in the mirror straight in the eyes and say enough. When I gave myself that hard and firm talking to, something small began to shift. All of a sudden, like Djokovic, I had changed the dynamic. I now fully knew and admitted to myself what I had to do, and thank goodness with the help of many people I was able to do it– my life has never been the same since.
Another time about four years ago I was going through a huge transition in my career, as I had switched schools after 17 years of teaching at the same place (and having gone there myself as a student for 7 years!). I am not someone who generally deals well with change, and this transition was scary and shook me to my core. Initially, I could feel the negative voices coming in, the doubt, and I was getting into a pessimistic space in my new school. I had to once again look myself straight in the mirror, and tell myself the hard, cold truth: this was my new life and career position, and I could either continue to be negative and only see the changes I did not like, or I could focus on the positive and what I did like about my new position.
As soon as I had the hard conversation with myself in the mirror something began to shift. Like Djokovic said, once I had altered the inner, the outer dynamics changed too. Now, just as with stopping drinking, this was not a one time magic bullet; I had to continue to have those conversations with myself and continue to work on changing my perspective and inner dialogue (and I would be remiss if I did not give huge credit and thanks once again to my wife Jennie for her help through this). It was a gradual process that unfolded slowly.
Similarly, when Covid hit, I hit a very, very challenging time in my life. So much of the joy and pleasure in my life comes in seeing my kids engaged, active, and involved in their school, sports, dance, and activities. Once all of that shut down, I had horrific anxiety about the damage I perceived it was doing to Grace and Ryan. I fretted over it day and night. About a year into the Pandemic I had to have another one of those hard conversations with myself in the mirror. I had to tell myself I could continue to fight Covid and focus on all that I have lost, or I could come to a place of full acceptance and focus on what is still good in my life. That conversation (or series of conversations), where I began to change my self-talk (once again with the tremendous help of my wife Jennie) began to gradually change things. It also did not hurt that life began to open up again and I could see myself and my kids so engaged and active–but I had more of an appreciation and sense of gratitude than ever before. My inner dialogue is still changed for the better from this incredible challenge. I have to keep working at it though.
When I think back to almost every hard challenge or change in my life, they all hinged on how I chose to view that difficulty. They all hinged on my self-talk and inner dialogue. So, like Djokovic, may we all have those difficult conversations with ourselves in the mirror when we need to. May we all also be as lucky as I have been to have the support and resources, so we are square not having to make those hard changes alone.
For once we change the inner dialogue and thinking, it is amazing how the outer seems to follow as well.
Vamos!!!!!